Back when I began this blog, I knew I would have to tackle the daunting task of discussing the LDS Church and sexuality. The very visible support the Church gave to the Prop 8 campaign in California received both positive and negative responses from the general population, but it definitely secured the LDS Church a place in the ongoing debate of marriage equality. I am not going to try and vocalize the Church's position or defend it. What I will do is tell you how to find this information for yourself. The Church just recently released a new website called mormonsandgays.org, which clearly provides the Church's position on homosexuality. If you are unfamiliar with the Church, you probably won't realize what a giant step this is for the Church. The purpose of the site, as far as I have gathered, is to help change the perspective of the general Church membership towards others who experience differences in gender identity and sexuality. The overriding message found on the site is one of love, compassion and acceptance. There are many things that I could get into here, and I can hear arguments from all sides running through my head at this moment, but I have decided to not make this post about the Church's website or its stance on homosexuality and marriage equality. I'm not saying that this isn't a worthy examination, because I think it it, but I think that is a topic I would like to reserve for later.
I'd like to get more personal with this post and share my experiences with being gay and a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I joined the Church 14 years ago this May and I knew I was gay long before that. I joined with a full knowledge that the way I felt was contrary to the doctrines of the Gospel taught by the Church, but I was alright with that, because I never accepted those feelings as being valid. I had very powerful spiritual experiences, which helped me to understand the truth and power that exist in the Gospel of Jesus Christ. I believed I would never have to share the dark burden I felt weigh upon my heart at times, because I believed the power of the Atonement of Christ could lift that burden. I still believe the Atonement is that powerful and then some, but that lifting doesn't necessarily come in an expected manner. I will get more into this latter.
When I fist started telling people I was gay, I was committed to living by the standards of the Church. I first told my bishop who worked very closely with me and helped me get to the point where I felt I could tell my mom. I filmed an interview for the Far Between Movie project last February, after I had told my mom, because I wanted to be a part of something that might help others find peace and courage in confronting their own stories and paradigms.
If I could help prevent someone from having to go through the pain and suffering I had experienced, I wanted to do whatever I could and I still desire to do that.
The problem I encountered with finally being open about my sexuality was not knowing how to deal with the emotions and desires that I had suppressed for so long. I didn't have any idea how to allow those feelings to exist while also keeping them at bay so I could continue to live according to the standards of the Church. I started to come to a crossroads, where I saw only two choices--I could choose the Gospel and the Church or I could choose a gay life and leave the Church. I honestly didn't want one without the other, but I didn't see any other path.
I have been praying daily for the past 11 years or so to know God's will for me, to know what I should do, to ask if this burden could be removed from me, and a multiple of other requests to try and find some kind of relief. I've certainly had prayers answered during these years, but regarding this issue, I felt like I wasn't getting anywhere and that I was being left alone to deal with it. That sense of isolation became even greater over the years, but has been the worst since I started telling people and being open about my struggles. I got to the point this January, where I went to church fully believing it was going to be my last time. Then Heavenly Father reminded me that He hadn't forgotten me and that He still cared about me. So I kept going to church and began to find direction for the first time in years.
I began to hear God's voice in the teachings of my Institute of Religion teacher. I have attended classes with the same instructor, Brother Case, for the past three years and God has used him on multiple occasions to deliver messages to me and answers to my prayers. This semester has been no different and what I have learned is that Heavenly Father's love for me and for all of us is far greater than we can imagine and the Atonement of His son, Jesus Christ, is just as powerful and great! I don't want to deny the worth of following the commandments by which we are asked to live, because I believe there is great worth in them and one can find great closeness to God and happiness by living them. However, I do believe that the culture of the Church tends to distort the teachings about the commandments and people begin to believe that all they have to do is follow the commandments and they have purchased their ticket on the train to heaven, while those who do not follow the commandments have rejected the opportunity. What this type of understanding creates is an image of a Heavenly Father, whose love is conditional only if you do everything he says. It completely rejects the idea that in the parable of the Prodigal Son, where each one of us is the prodigal son and Heaven Father is the father, the father needs no explanation from his child or demands payment of all that he wasted. The only thing the father required was that the child, of his own accord, turned back to him. And with this simple act of turning back to his father, the father bestowed upon the son all that he had. (see Luke 15:11-32) We know this because the father put a robe on the son and gave him a ring, which is a symbol of the father's authority and indicates sharing that authority with his son. The eldest son, who followed all of his father's commandments, was completely baffled and upset that he never received such a display even though he had been so true to the will of his father. The father explains that he as gained all that his father has by his obedience and should not fret, but rejoice also in the fact that his brother has returned and is no longer lost. There are plenty of other parables that express the same thing. Both sons in this parable gain all that the father has even though they tread very different paths. I am not advocating that people reject trying to live by the commandments that God has given us. I have experienced firsthand that obedience to them can provide great spiritual clarity and a close relationship with the Father. However, Heavenly Father has created a plan that is going to guarantee the return of all of His children to Him if they desire it, no matter what path they follow in this life.
I have come to a realization that I will not be able to fulfill all that my Father in Heaven would require of me, but there is no fear in this, because He already knew that would be the case for all of us and that is why He provided a Savior.
I have decided to date men if you haven't gathered that already. Sure, I have denied myself this for 38 years and I could probably to it for the rest of my life. However, that life would be one full of misery and pain and could very well end in an untimely death like it does for so many other people who struggle with being gay and with trying to conform to their religious, familial, and/or societal beliefs. I am not choosing a gay lifestyle, I am choosing to love myself and to express the love I have to give. I have had enough spiritual confirmations over the past few weeks to let me know that Heavenly Father will still welcome me with open arms and a great celebration when I return. I am not choosing to turn away from God. I am choosing to walk my path with Him and I know He will see me home. There are many in the Church who will say I can't have it both ways, and a few years ago I would have added my voice to them, but I know the great changes Heavenly Father evoked in me to dispel the contradictions and the dichotomy within me, in order to finally allow me to be at peace and enjoy the highest emotional experience we can enjoy in life--to love and to be loved.
I love the LDS Church and the Gospel it teaches. It has transformed my life in so many ways and it has also brought me to the place in which I stand today. There are, however, difficulties that arise not because of the Gospel, but because of the institutionalized structure the Church has taken to represent the Gospel. This is one of the things to which I was alluding at the beginning of this post. I didn't plan on discussing it here, but I might as well and then I won't have to write another post on this topic.
I have referred to one of the effects that this institutionalization has on women in an earlier post and the same precept discussed there, applies itself here. As I stated at the beginning, the new website published by the Church is full of videos and messages about how we must all love our fellow brothers and sisters regardless of their sexual orientation. This is such a beautiful message and it is one that I hope many will talk to heart. However, these words and intentions fall flat when they are simultaneously juxtaposed with messages that continue to berate LGBTQ people for experiencing life as they feel is as natural as any heterosexual person. In his video about the purpose of the new website, Elder D. Todd Christofferson states: The doctrines that relate to human sexuality and gender are really central to our theology. And marriage between a man and a woman, and the families that come from those marriages – that’s all central to God’s plan and to the opportunities that He offers to us, here and hereafter. So homosexual behavior is contrary to those doctrines – has been, always will be – and can never be anything but transgression. The Church has finally recognized openly that people do not choose to have homosexual feelings, which is a great step in the right direction, but by continually telling members who feel this way that they disrupt the centrality of God's plan and that their expression of love is a transgression and less than that expressed by heterosexuals, all the Church does is to continue to annihilate the emotional well-being of its gay members. A close friend of mine has likened it to an abusive relationship, where the abuse gets bad enough for the victim to leave, but after all of the begging and pleading to come back and the promise of love, the victim returns only to get immediately beat down again.
In his General Conference address, Protect the Children, in October 2012, Elder Dallin H. Oaks says:
I'd like to get more personal with this post and share my experiences with being gay and a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I joined the Church 14 years ago this May and I knew I was gay long before that. I joined with a full knowledge that the way I felt was contrary to the doctrines of the Gospel taught by the Church, but I was alright with that, because I never accepted those feelings as being valid. I had very powerful spiritual experiences, which helped me to understand the truth and power that exist in the Gospel of Jesus Christ. I believed I would never have to share the dark burden I felt weigh upon my heart at times, because I believed the power of the Atonement of Christ could lift that burden. I still believe the Atonement is that powerful and then some, but that lifting doesn't necessarily come in an expected manner. I will get more into this latter.
When I fist started telling people I was gay, I was committed to living by the standards of the Church. I first told my bishop who worked very closely with me and helped me get to the point where I felt I could tell my mom. I filmed an interview for the Far Between Movie project last February, after I had told my mom, because I wanted to be a part of something that might help others find peace and courage in confronting their own stories and paradigms.
If I could help prevent someone from having to go through the pain and suffering I had experienced, I wanted to do whatever I could and I still desire to do that.
The problem I encountered with finally being open about my sexuality was not knowing how to deal with the emotions and desires that I had suppressed for so long. I didn't have any idea how to allow those feelings to exist while also keeping them at bay so I could continue to live according to the standards of the Church. I started to come to a crossroads, where I saw only two choices--I could choose the Gospel and the Church or I could choose a gay life and leave the Church. I honestly didn't want one without the other, but I didn't see any other path.
I have been praying daily for the past 11 years or so to know God's will for me, to know what I should do, to ask if this burden could be removed from me, and a multiple of other requests to try and find some kind of relief. I've certainly had prayers answered during these years, but regarding this issue, I felt like I wasn't getting anywhere and that I was being left alone to deal with it. That sense of isolation became even greater over the years, but has been the worst since I started telling people and being open about my struggles. I got to the point this January, where I went to church fully believing it was going to be my last time. Then Heavenly Father reminded me that He hadn't forgotten me and that He still cared about me. So I kept going to church and began to find direction for the first time in years.
I began to hear God's voice in the teachings of my Institute of Religion teacher. I have attended classes with the same instructor, Brother Case, for the past three years and God has used him on multiple occasions to deliver messages to me and answers to my prayers. This semester has been no different and what I have learned is that Heavenly Father's love for me and for all of us is far greater than we can imagine and the Atonement of His son, Jesus Christ, is just as powerful and great! I don't want to deny the worth of following the commandments by which we are asked to live, because I believe there is great worth in them and one can find great closeness to God and happiness by living them. However, I do believe that the culture of the Church tends to distort the teachings about the commandments and people begin to believe that all they have to do is follow the commandments and they have purchased their ticket on the train to heaven, while those who do not follow the commandments have rejected the opportunity. What this type of understanding creates is an image of a Heavenly Father, whose love is conditional only if you do everything he says. It completely rejects the idea that in the parable of the Prodigal Son, where each one of us is the prodigal son and Heaven Father is the father, the father needs no explanation from his child or demands payment of all that he wasted. The only thing the father required was that the child, of his own accord, turned back to him. And with this simple act of turning back to his father, the father bestowed upon the son all that he had. (see Luke 15:11-32) We know this because the father put a robe on the son and gave him a ring, which is a symbol of the father's authority and indicates sharing that authority with his son. The eldest son, who followed all of his father's commandments, was completely baffled and upset that he never received such a display even though he had been so true to the will of his father. The father explains that he as gained all that his father has by his obedience and should not fret, but rejoice also in the fact that his brother has returned and is no longer lost. There are plenty of other parables that express the same thing. Both sons in this parable gain all that the father has even though they tread very different paths. I am not advocating that people reject trying to live by the commandments that God has given us. I have experienced firsthand that obedience to them can provide great spiritual clarity and a close relationship with the Father. However, Heavenly Father has created a plan that is going to guarantee the return of all of His children to Him if they desire it, no matter what path they follow in this life.
I have come to a realization that I will not be able to fulfill all that my Father in Heaven would require of me, but there is no fear in this, because He already knew that would be the case for all of us and that is why He provided a Savior.
I have decided to date men if you haven't gathered that already. Sure, I have denied myself this for 38 years and I could probably to it for the rest of my life. However, that life would be one full of misery and pain and could very well end in an untimely death like it does for so many other people who struggle with being gay and with trying to conform to their religious, familial, and/or societal beliefs. I am not choosing a gay lifestyle, I am choosing to love myself and to express the love I have to give. I have had enough spiritual confirmations over the past few weeks to let me know that Heavenly Father will still welcome me with open arms and a great celebration when I return. I am not choosing to turn away from God. I am choosing to walk my path with Him and I know He will see me home. There are many in the Church who will say I can't have it both ways, and a few years ago I would have added my voice to them, but I know the great changes Heavenly Father evoked in me to dispel the contradictions and the dichotomy within me, in order to finally allow me to be at peace and enjoy the highest emotional experience we can enjoy in life--to love and to be loved.
I love the LDS Church and the Gospel it teaches. It has transformed my life in so many ways and it has also brought me to the place in which I stand today. There are, however, difficulties that arise not because of the Gospel, but because of the institutionalized structure the Church has taken to represent the Gospel. This is one of the things to which I was alluding at the beginning of this post. I didn't plan on discussing it here, but I might as well and then I won't have to write another post on this topic.
I have referred to one of the effects that this institutionalization has on women in an earlier post and the same precept discussed there, applies itself here. As I stated at the beginning, the new website published by the Church is full of videos and messages about how we must all love our fellow brothers and sisters regardless of their sexual orientation. This is such a beautiful message and it is one that I hope many will talk to heart. However, these words and intentions fall flat when they are simultaneously juxtaposed with messages that continue to berate LGBTQ people for experiencing life as they feel is as natural as any heterosexual person. In his video about the purpose of the new website, Elder D. Todd Christofferson states: The doctrines that relate to human sexuality and gender are really central to our theology. And marriage between a man and a woman, and the families that come from those marriages – that’s all central to God’s plan and to the opportunities that He offers to us, here and hereafter. So homosexual behavior is contrary to those doctrines – has been, always will be – and can never be anything but transgression. The Church has finally recognized openly that people do not choose to have homosexual feelings, which is a great step in the right direction, but by continually telling members who feel this way that they disrupt the centrality of God's plan and that their expression of love is a transgression and less than that expressed by heterosexuals, all the Church does is to continue to annihilate the emotional well-being of its gay members. A close friend of mine has likened it to an abusive relationship, where the abuse gets bad enough for the victim to leave, but after all of the begging and pleading to come back and the promise of love, the victim returns only to get immediately beat down again.
In his General Conference address, Protect the Children, in October 2012, Elder Dallin H. Oaks says:
Making a child or youth feel worthless, unloved, or unwanted can inflict serious and long-lasting injury on his or her emotional well-being and development.9Young people struggling with any exceptional condition, including same-gender attraction, are particularly vulnerable and need loving understanding—not bullying or ostracism. He is so spot on with this analysis and it is so good to hear these words coming from the pulpit, but later on in the talk, after discussing the horrors of abortion, child neglect, divorce, child abuse, etc., he goes on to state: We should assume the same disadvantages for children raised by couples of the same gender. The message this sends out, is that homosexuals are less than their heterosexual counterparts and incapable of providing the same love and protection every child deserves. What message does this send to the child who is listening to this talk snuggled up between her two dads or two moms? Didn't she just get ostracized and bullied because she has two loving homosexual parents? What psychological effects will she suffer because of that? You may think that this is a hypothetical situation and that there are no active gay parents of active LDS children. This is not a hypothetical situation. What about the homosexual child who hears the same message? What are the effects on this child in hearing that the love he feels coming from within him is compared to abortion and child abuse. I know the intent of this talk was about doing everything possible to protect children and allow them to grow up in safe environments and it is an admirable cause, but this institutionalized belief of the Church that same-sex couples are incapable of providing a loving and nurturing home for their children only works to beat down anyone in the situations I have described and others I have not. These mixed messages are the cause of tremendous pain to many homosexual members of the Church who want and desire all that the Gospel offers, but at the same time don't find the Church to be a safe place or sanctuary because of the emotional abuse that occurs.
