Back when I began this blog, I knew I would have to tackle the daunting task of discussing the LDS Church and sexuality. The very visible support the Church gave to the Prop 8 campaign in California received both positive and negative responses from the general population, but it definitely secured the LDS Church a place in the ongoing debate of marriage equality. I am not going to try and vocalize the Church's position or defend it. What I will do is tell you how to find this information for yourself. The Church just recently released a new website called mormonsandgays.org, which clearly provides the Church's position on homosexuality. If you are unfamiliar with the Church, you probably won't realize what a giant step this is for the Church. The purpose of the site, as far as I have gathered, is to help change the perspective of the general Church membership towards others who experience differences in gender identity and sexuality. The overriding message found on the site is one of love, compassion and acceptance. There are many things that I could get into here, and I can hear arguments from all sides running through my head at this moment, but I have decided to not make this post about the Church's website or its stance on homosexuality and marriage equality. I'm not saying that this isn't a worthy examination, because I think it it, but I think that is a topic I would like to reserve for later.
I'd like to get more personal with this post and share my experiences with being gay and a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I joined the Church 14 years ago this May and I knew I was gay long before that. I joined with a full knowledge that the way I felt was contrary to the doctrines of the Gospel taught by the Church, but I was alright with that, because I never accepted those feelings as being valid. I had very powerful spiritual experiences, which helped me to understand the truth and power that exist in the Gospel of Jesus Christ. I believed I would never have to share the dark burden I felt weigh upon my heart at times, because I believed the power of the Atonement of Christ could lift that burden. I still believe the Atonement is that powerful and then some, but that lifting doesn't necessarily come in an expected manner. I will get more into this latter.
When I fist started telling people I was gay, I was committed to living by the standards of the Church. I first told my bishop who worked very closely with me and helped me get to the point where I felt I could tell my mom. I filmed an interview for the Far Between Movie project last February, after I had told my mom, because I wanted to be a part of something that might help others find peace and courage in confronting their own stories and paradigms.
If I could help prevent someone from having to go through the pain and suffering I had experienced, I wanted to do whatever I could and I still desire to do that.
The problem I encountered with finally being open about my sexuality was not knowing how to deal with the emotions and desires that I had suppressed for so long. I didn't have any idea how to allow those feelings to exist while also keeping them at bay so I could continue to live according to the standards of the Church. I started to come to a crossroads, where I saw only two choices--I could choose the Gospel and the Church or I could choose a gay life and leave the Church. I honestly didn't want one without the other, but I didn't see any other path.
I have been praying daily for the past 11 years or so to know God's will for me, to know what I should do, to ask if this burden could be removed from me, and a multiple of other requests to try and find some kind of relief. I've certainly had prayers answered during these years, but regarding this issue, I felt like I wasn't getting anywhere and that I was being left alone to deal with it. That sense of isolation became even greater over the years, but has been the worst since I started telling people and being open about my struggles. I got to the point this January, where I went to church fully believing it was going to be my last time. Then Heavenly Father reminded me that He hadn't forgotten me and that He still cared about me. So I kept going to church and began to find direction for the first time in years.
I began to hear God's voice in the teachings of my Institute of Religion teacher. I have attended classes with the same instructor, Brother Case, for the past three years and God has used him on multiple occasions to deliver messages to me and answers to my prayers. This semester has been no different and what I have learned is that Heavenly Father's love for me and for all of us is far greater than we can imagine and the Atonement of His son, Jesus Christ, is just as powerful and great! I don't want to deny the worth of following the commandments by which we are asked to live, because I believe there is great worth in them and one can find great closeness to God and happiness by living them. However, I do believe that the culture of the Church tends to distort the teachings about the commandments and people begin to believe that all they have to do is follow the commandments and they have purchased their ticket on the train to heaven, while those who do not follow the commandments have rejected the opportunity. What this type of understanding creates is an image of a Heavenly Father, whose love is conditional only if you do everything he says. It completely rejects the idea that in the parable of the Prodigal Son, where each one of us is the prodigal son and Heaven Father is the father, the father needs no explanation from his child or demands payment of all that he wasted. The only thing the father required was that the child, of his own accord, turned back to him. And with this simple act of turning back to his father, the father bestowed upon the son all that he had. (see Luke 15:11-32) We know this because the father put a robe on the son and gave him a ring, which is a symbol of the father's authority and indicates sharing that authority with his son. The eldest son, who followed all of his father's commandments, was completely baffled and upset that he never received such a display even though he had been so true to the will of his father. The father explains that he as gained all that his father has by his obedience and should not fret, but rejoice also in the fact that his brother has returned and is no longer lost. There are plenty of other parables that express the same thing. Both sons in this parable gain all that the father has even though they tread very different paths. I am not advocating that people reject trying to live by the commandments that God has given us. I have experienced firsthand that obedience to them can provide great spiritual clarity and a close relationship with the Father. However, Heavenly Father has created a plan that is going to guarantee the return of all of His children to Him if they desire it, no matter what path they follow in this life.
I have come to a realization that I will not be able to fulfill all that my Father in Heaven would require of me, but there is no fear in this, because He already knew that would be the case for all of us and that is why He provided a Savior.
I have decided to date men if you haven't gathered that already. Sure, I have denied myself this for 38 years and I could probably to it for the rest of my life. However, that life would be one full of misery and pain and could very well end in an untimely death like it does for so many other people who struggle with being gay and with trying to conform to their religious, familial, and/or societal beliefs. I am not choosing a gay lifestyle, I am choosing to love myself and to express the love I have to give. I have had enough spiritual confirmations over the past few weeks to let me know that Heavenly Father will still welcome me with open arms and a great celebration when I return. I am not choosing to turn away from God. I am choosing to walk my path with Him and I know He will see me home. There are many in the Church who will say I can't have it both ways, and a few years ago I would have added my voice to them, but I know the great changes Heavenly Father evoked in me to dispel the contradictions and the dichotomy within me, in order to finally allow me to be at peace and enjoy the highest emotional experience we can enjoy in life--to love and to be loved.
I love the LDS Church and the Gospel it teaches. It has transformed my life in so many ways and it has also brought me to the place in which I stand today. There are, however, difficulties that arise not because of the Gospel, but because of the institutionalized structure the Church has taken to represent the Gospel. This is one of the things to which I was alluding at the beginning of this post. I didn't plan on discussing it here, but I might as well and then I won't have to write another post on this topic.
I have referred to one of the effects that this institutionalization has on women in an earlier post and the same precept discussed there, applies itself here. As I stated at the beginning, the new website published by the Church is full of videos and messages about how we must all love our fellow brothers and sisters regardless of their sexual orientation. This is such a beautiful message and it is one that I hope many will talk to heart. However, these words and intentions fall flat when they are simultaneously juxtaposed with messages that continue to berate LGBTQ people for experiencing life as they feel is as natural as any heterosexual person. In his video about the purpose of the new website, Elder D. Todd Christofferson states: The doctrines that relate to human sexuality and gender are really central to our theology. And marriage between a man and a woman, and the families that come from those marriages – that’s all central to God’s plan and to the opportunities that He offers to us, here and hereafter. So homosexual behavior is contrary to those doctrines – has been, always will be – and can never be anything but transgression. The Church has finally recognized openly that people do not choose to have homosexual feelings, which is a great step in the right direction, but by continually telling members who feel this way that they disrupt the centrality of God's plan and that their expression of love is a transgression and less than that expressed by heterosexuals, all the Church does is to continue to annihilate the emotional well-being of its gay members. A close friend of mine has likened it to an abusive relationship, where the abuse gets bad enough for the victim to leave, but after all of the begging and pleading to come back and the promise of love, the victim returns only to get immediately beat down again.
In his General Conference address, Protect the Children, in October 2012, Elder Dallin H. Oaks says:
I'd like to get more personal with this post and share my experiences with being gay and a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I joined the Church 14 years ago this May and I knew I was gay long before that. I joined with a full knowledge that the way I felt was contrary to the doctrines of the Gospel taught by the Church, but I was alright with that, because I never accepted those feelings as being valid. I had very powerful spiritual experiences, which helped me to understand the truth and power that exist in the Gospel of Jesus Christ. I believed I would never have to share the dark burden I felt weigh upon my heart at times, because I believed the power of the Atonement of Christ could lift that burden. I still believe the Atonement is that powerful and then some, but that lifting doesn't necessarily come in an expected manner. I will get more into this latter.
When I fist started telling people I was gay, I was committed to living by the standards of the Church. I first told my bishop who worked very closely with me and helped me get to the point where I felt I could tell my mom. I filmed an interview for the Far Between Movie project last February, after I had told my mom, because I wanted to be a part of something that might help others find peace and courage in confronting their own stories and paradigms.
If I could help prevent someone from having to go through the pain and suffering I had experienced, I wanted to do whatever I could and I still desire to do that.
The problem I encountered with finally being open about my sexuality was not knowing how to deal with the emotions and desires that I had suppressed for so long. I didn't have any idea how to allow those feelings to exist while also keeping them at bay so I could continue to live according to the standards of the Church. I started to come to a crossroads, where I saw only two choices--I could choose the Gospel and the Church or I could choose a gay life and leave the Church. I honestly didn't want one without the other, but I didn't see any other path.
I have been praying daily for the past 11 years or so to know God's will for me, to know what I should do, to ask if this burden could be removed from me, and a multiple of other requests to try and find some kind of relief. I've certainly had prayers answered during these years, but regarding this issue, I felt like I wasn't getting anywhere and that I was being left alone to deal with it. That sense of isolation became even greater over the years, but has been the worst since I started telling people and being open about my struggles. I got to the point this January, where I went to church fully believing it was going to be my last time. Then Heavenly Father reminded me that He hadn't forgotten me and that He still cared about me. So I kept going to church and began to find direction for the first time in years.
I began to hear God's voice in the teachings of my Institute of Religion teacher. I have attended classes with the same instructor, Brother Case, for the past three years and God has used him on multiple occasions to deliver messages to me and answers to my prayers. This semester has been no different and what I have learned is that Heavenly Father's love for me and for all of us is far greater than we can imagine and the Atonement of His son, Jesus Christ, is just as powerful and great! I don't want to deny the worth of following the commandments by which we are asked to live, because I believe there is great worth in them and one can find great closeness to God and happiness by living them. However, I do believe that the culture of the Church tends to distort the teachings about the commandments and people begin to believe that all they have to do is follow the commandments and they have purchased their ticket on the train to heaven, while those who do not follow the commandments have rejected the opportunity. What this type of understanding creates is an image of a Heavenly Father, whose love is conditional only if you do everything he says. It completely rejects the idea that in the parable of the Prodigal Son, where each one of us is the prodigal son and Heaven Father is the father, the father needs no explanation from his child or demands payment of all that he wasted. The only thing the father required was that the child, of his own accord, turned back to him. And with this simple act of turning back to his father, the father bestowed upon the son all that he had. (see Luke 15:11-32) We know this because the father put a robe on the son and gave him a ring, which is a symbol of the father's authority and indicates sharing that authority with his son. The eldest son, who followed all of his father's commandments, was completely baffled and upset that he never received such a display even though he had been so true to the will of his father. The father explains that he as gained all that his father has by his obedience and should not fret, but rejoice also in the fact that his brother has returned and is no longer lost. There are plenty of other parables that express the same thing. Both sons in this parable gain all that the father has even though they tread very different paths. I am not advocating that people reject trying to live by the commandments that God has given us. I have experienced firsthand that obedience to them can provide great spiritual clarity and a close relationship with the Father. However, Heavenly Father has created a plan that is going to guarantee the return of all of His children to Him if they desire it, no matter what path they follow in this life.
I have come to a realization that I will not be able to fulfill all that my Father in Heaven would require of me, but there is no fear in this, because He already knew that would be the case for all of us and that is why He provided a Savior.
I have decided to date men if you haven't gathered that already. Sure, I have denied myself this for 38 years and I could probably to it for the rest of my life. However, that life would be one full of misery and pain and could very well end in an untimely death like it does for so many other people who struggle with being gay and with trying to conform to their religious, familial, and/or societal beliefs. I am not choosing a gay lifestyle, I am choosing to love myself and to express the love I have to give. I have had enough spiritual confirmations over the past few weeks to let me know that Heavenly Father will still welcome me with open arms and a great celebration when I return. I am not choosing to turn away from God. I am choosing to walk my path with Him and I know He will see me home. There are many in the Church who will say I can't have it both ways, and a few years ago I would have added my voice to them, but I know the great changes Heavenly Father evoked in me to dispel the contradictions and the dichotomy within me, in order to finally allow me to be at peace and enjoy the highest emotional experience we can enjoy in life--to love and to be loved.
I love the LDS Church and the Gospel it teaches. It has transformed my life in so many ways and it has also brought me to the place in which I stand today. There are, however, difficulties that arise not because of the Gospel, but because of the institutionalized structure the Church has taken to represent the Gospel. This is one of the things to which I was alluding at the beginning of this post. I didn't plan on discussing it here, but I might as well and then I won't have to write another post on this topic.
I have referred to one of the effects that this institutionalization has on women in an earlier post and the same precept discussed there, applies itself here. As I stated at the beginning, the new website published by the Church is full of videos and messages about how we must all love our fellow brothers and sisters regardless of their sexual orientation. This is such a beautiful message and it is one that I hope many will talk to heart. However, these words and intentions fall flat when they are simultaneously juxtaposed with messages that continue to berate LGBTQ people for experiencing life as they feel is as natural as any heterosexual person. In his video about the purpose of the new website, Elder D. Todd Christofferson states: The doctrines that relate to human sexuality and gender are really central to our theology. And marriage between a man and a woman, and the families that come from those marriages – that’s all central to God’s plan and to the opportunities that He offers to us, here and hereafter. So homosexual behavior is contrary to those doctrines – has been, always will be – and can never be anything but transgression. The Church has finally recognized openly that people do not choose to have homosexual feelings, which is a great step in the right direction, but by continually telling members who feel this way that they disrupt the centrality of God's plan and that their expression of love is a transgression and less than that expressed by heterosexuals, all the Church does is to continue to annihilate the emotional well-being of its gay members. A close friend of mine has likened it to an abusive relationship, where the abuse gets bad enough for the victim to leave, but after all of the begging and pleading to come back and the promise of love, the victim returns only to get immediately beat down again.
In his General Conference address, Protect the Children, in October 2012, Elder Dallin H. Oaks says:
Making a child or youth feel worthless, unloved, or unwanted can inflict serious and long-lasting injury on his or her emotional well-being and development.9Young people struggling with any exceptional condition, including same-gender attraction, are particularly vulnerable and need loving understanding—not bullying or ostracism. He is so spot on with this analysis and it is so good to hear these words coming from the pulpit, but later on in the talk, after discussing the horrors of abortion, child neglect, divorce, child abuse, etc., he goes on to state: We should assume the same disadvantages for children raised by couples of the same gender. The message this sends out, is that homosexuals are less than their heterosexual counterparts and incapable of providing the same love and protection every child deserves. What message does this send to the child who is listening to this talk snuggled up between her two dads or two moms? Didn't she just get ostracized and bullied because she has two loving homosexual parents? What psychological effects will she suffer because of that? You may think that this is a hypothetical situation and that there are no active gay parents of active LDS children. This is not a hypothetical situation. What about the homosexual child who hears the same message? What are the effects on this child in hearing that the love he feels coming from within him is compared to abortion and child abuse. I know the intent of this talk was about doing everything possible to protect children and allow them to grow up in safe environments and it is an admirable cause, but this institutionalized belief of the Church that same-sex couples are incapable of providing a loving and nurturing home for their children only works to beat down anyone in the situations I have described and others I have not. These mixed messages are the cause of tremendous pain to many homosexual members of the Church who want and desire all that the Gospel offers, but at the same time don't find the Church to be a safe place or sanctuary because of the emotional abuse that occurs.
Very well said, Chad. I am so glad you have the strength to be who you are, and to speak up for what you believe in.
ReplyDeleteSure miss you capo card!! I hope the very best for you:)
ReplyDeleteWow. I'll have to mull this one over for a while. I wish I still lived in Salt Lake so we could meet for lunch and I could ask you about things. Forse quando vengo a luglio? Che dici? Nel frattempo, sappi che non c'e' nulla che potrebbe cambiare il fatto che ti ammiro e ti voglio un MONDO di bene!! -Sorella McC
ReplyDeleteChad, I'm curious as to what you believe in regards to church teachings and homosexuality. I hope my questions aren't offensive, and if they are just please ignore me. As you know, I fully support marriage equality, think there is nothing wrong with being gay, and don't believe in your church (or any for that matter). But my curiosity is piqued by this whole drama and I feel terrible that it took you so long to be open about who you are.
ReplyDeleteDo you believe that the Mormon prophets are simply wrong about homosexuality and same-sex marriage?
Do you believe that the Mormon church will change its stance at some point, like it did with interracial marriage, polygamy, and blacks with the temple/priesthood?
You believe in a life after this one. Do you believe that you will still be gay, or will you somehow be "fixed" as is implied from the mormonsandgays website?
Hi Mark,
DeleteI'm not offended in any way by your questions. I don't have very good answers for them though. I think I am still in the process of discovering what I believe. To your first question, I believe the prophets and apostles have used and are using the scriptures we have as the final answer on homosexuality and same-sex marriage. However, there are numerous places in the Book of Mormon specifically where we learn that we are only get a very small fraction of the truth. Does this mean that there is a place for homosexuals and same-sex marriage in Heavenly Father's plan? I can't even begin to say and I won't try to. From the recent spiritual experiences I have had, I do know the Heavenly Father is OK with my current path, because He actually resolved my internal conflict between choosing the Church or my life. I was made to know that I didn't have to choose between them and I have been at peace since then.
I know some members, gay and straight, believe that it is possible the Church will change its position just like it did on polygamy, blacks and the priesthood, and interracial marriage. I'm not holding my breath. The leaders a very clear that this will never happen and share that right at the beginning of the website. If we think that they are also still limited in their knowledge, but can receive more from the Lord through revelation, it is possible that even with these stances, things could change. I'm beginning to become conflicted with this all for the mere fact that I can't imagine Heavenly Father wanting His Church to cause so much pain and suffering for those who are members of His Church. I used to think that the ban on the priesthood was a protection to keep people in the Church who otherwise would leave because of their own prejudices. And since the faithful black members of the Church would eventually receive all in this life or the next, it actually all worked out. However, I definitely allowed myself to get caught up in the dominant discourse of the Church (not that this idea is taught, but it is how I made sense of it based on other teachings.) Now that I have allowed myself to be in a similar place, it is very difficult for me to believe that Heavenly Father would use every oppressed minority and continue that oppression in His Church, just so the white majority could learn more important lessons of how to love. Maybe this is the case, maybe He knows the strength minorities really have and that the reward for being stomped on and degraded will far exceed what the dominant majority will receive. Maybe this is the true meaning of "the last shall be first, and the first last."
As far as what is to come after this life, I am reticent to make any conjectures, but what I believe is that we will come to higher levels of love for everyone and the sexual drives and desires will probably not be the greatest moving force. However, I want to believe that someone I spend my life with, who helps me to grow in my capacity to love, will still be with me in the next life. In my case that is most definitely going to be a man. I don't think that my homosexuality is going to just magically disappear at the end of this life, because it is not all about sex and physicality. My first real experience with loving another man has began emotionally and intellectually. Sure there is the physical side of things too, but I fell in love, before I ever got to hold him. What I know about the Gospel is that we take our thoughts and emotions and socialities with us into the next life and so I don't believe, like the Church teaches, that all will be "made right" by allowing me to be heterosexual and marry in the next life if I stay true and faithful in this life. The leaders of the Church see this issue as just a sexual issue, because that is what the scriptures teach and what society has taught for centuries. Unfortunately, there is no way for them to truly understand how this is so not an issue about sex. It is about feeling true to self and loving in the way one feels most capable and being fulfilled by amazing relationships that energize the soul. Sure sex comes into it, because that is also part of the wiring of most people, but it is just so much more than that and I hope that I still have all of this when I move on to the next life.
DeleteI hope that helps to answer your questions. You might ask why I want to stay in the Church if I don't think it fulfills my needs or current understandings. I have learned great and wonderful things from the Gospel that I have been taught in the Church. I have gained a close relationship with God and the Spirit and I don't think that would have ever happened without the Church. There are are things that still penetrate my soul and for that I am willing to stay and discover what else there might be for me to learn. I don't believe the Church is infallible, but I do believe that is still has much to offer me.
Thanks Chad. I'm glad you're so honest and objective about the situation. I think you already know that one of my friends growing up, a gay Mormon teen, was kicked out of his house when he came out and committed suicide afterwards. It's a very personal issue to me even though I'm straight.
DeleteTheoretically, I couldn't care less whether or not you stay in your religion. But of course I worry about your happiness, especially as part of a religion that focuses so intently on marriage and family while telling you that you can't and shouldn't have either. So that concerns me.
I have a different perspective as an outsider now, but I actually think the Mormon church will change its stance. It may never allow same-sex temple marriages or even perform same-sex chapel marriages, but I think it will slowly and inexorably continue to move towards greater and greater acceptance of gay people, even to the point of no longer considering same-sex marriage or sexual relations inside of those marriages as sinful.
I don't know what the catalyst would be for that to happen. The relatively rapid acceptance of marriage equality in the last decade is encouraging. Since there are more and more Mormons who have a healthier view of homosexuality, perhaps it is inevitable that there will eventually be an Apostle who holds that view. I fear in that respect though that the people who are chosen to be Apostles tend to usually be the most conservative and strictly conforming members.
As more and more faithful members like yourself speak their minds and are open about their experiences, progress might happen. I'll be crossing my fingers.